Quotes

- "... carrying your death with you every day would make it hard to waste time on unkindness and anger and bitterness, on anything petty. That was the secret: remembering your dying time, in order to keep the stupid and ugly out of your living time." Mistry, Family Matters, p. 310

- "But in the end all human being become candidates for compassion, all of us, without exception... and if we can recognize their from the beginning, what a saving in pain, and grief, and misery." Mistry, Family Matters

- "Just as there are no Canadians, there are no Montrealers. Ask a man who he is and he names a race." Leonard Cohen, The Favourite Game, p. 125

- "Now he was sure. It was the first thing in a long time he had learned about himself. He wanted no legions to command. He didn't want to stand on any marble balcony. He didn't want to ride with Alexander, to be a boy king. He didn't want to smash his fist across the city, lead the Jews, have visions, love multitudes, bear a mark on his forehead, look in every mirror...for a reflection of the mark. He wanted comfort. He wanted to be comforted." Leonard Cohen, The Favourite Game, p. 159

- Pe atunci, ca si astazi, nu existau secrete, ci numai iluzia lor. Ionel Teodoreanu, Masa Umbrelor, p. 127

- History is a set of lies agreed upon. Bonaparte


- Man is the only animal who blushes. Or needs to. Twain

- Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think about ourselves and how little we think about the other person. Twain

- All you need in life is ignorance and confidence. Twain

- Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Twain

- To you I'm an atheist; to god, I'm the loyal opposition. Woody Allen

- Temperance is moderation in all things healthful, and total abstinence from all things harmful. Xenophon

- Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need. Kahlil Gibran

- Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony. Gandhi

- Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Lennon

- Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy. Aristotle

- Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. Horace Walpole

- You can read the life you've lived so far, but you cannot change a word. Cohen

- 'As I grow older, I like to listen to stories from the elderly'. Cohen

- 'It's not death that scares me. It's the preliminaries.' - Cohen

- Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Camus

- To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human human being can fight. E.E. Cummings

Weeds

Life. Crazy. Roller coaster.

I got to the point when it becomes very clear to me that along the way I've made some bad compromises. Are there good ones? I believe so. However, the bad ones need to be fixed. Or taken out. Like weeds. Bad relationships, out of which one doesn't get any juice, need to end. Who knows what the future brings, but for now, the people that along the way do not bring anything, or worse, bad things, need to be weeded. Probably not the best move, but it feels so right. Like Oldie says "if that's wrong, I don't ever wanna be right".

I guess I feel blessed that I have so many good things in my life and, these days, I can afford it. The energy needs to go in the right place, nurture the right relationships.

Take them as they are. I hear that a lot. Why? Fuck them and their ugly bitches. With love, of course. In the long run, it's a service to them. Weeds. Paradoxically, I believe that I may be their best friend. For now, from afar.

Life. Selfishness. Very consciously doing in for myself. Like sisters are doing it.

With Courage. The opposite of fear. Trying to get rid of the fear. Definitely plural.

Screw the crisis. Affluenza's the problem

Affluenza, a portmanteau of affluence and influenza, is a term used by critics of consumerism. Sources define this term as follows:

Affluenza, n. a painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition of overload, debt, anxiety and waste resulting from the dogged pursuit of more. (de Graaf [1])
affluenza, n. 1. The bloated, sluggish and unfulfilled feeling that results from efforts to keep up with the Joneses. 2. An epidemic of stress, overwork, waste and indebtedness caused by the pursuit of the American Dream. 3. An unsustainable addiction to economic growth.

I'm in the middle of reading the book and I find it to be a real eye opener. It's written by Oliver James and I love the fact that the guy swears from time to time. I was told not to swear when I put my thought on screen :-).

And I love you for putting the time into me and giving me the direction I needed - the Bees. I think of you when reading the book and feel very blessed of having people like you along the way. You'll always be in my heart.

The Affluenza virus is, according to James, a set of values that make us vulnerable to emotional distress. It is our insatiable desire for money, fame and power; our envious and obsessive need to compete with and compare ourselves to others. In this celebrity-obsessed age it is not so much our keeping-up-with-the-Joneses as our keeping-up-with-the-Beckhams. It is, in short, neo-liberalism, or from James's socio-psychological perspective, "Selfish Capitalism".

Read the thing, I know you'll like at least some parts of it.

Not much of a joke

I'm not one to remember or tell jokes. I forget them right away and I only enjoy them told by professionals and on TV.

There's only one joke that I remember (I DON'T KNOW WHY) and, this being a way of holding on to my thoughts, here it is:

Back in the 90s, when East and West Germany announced their unification, France got confused and surrendered.

Thank you for you time.

A little bit pregnant

Back in my UBC days I had an amazing teacher for Russian lit, Eastern European lit, etc. Things that I could relate to..

He used to tell us great stories about his amazing life. One of them was about the differences between North Americans and Europeans. The idea was that in the Canadian culture people are reluctant to say what they believed about a subject (let's say a movie). If it sucked, they don't tend to say that it was bad, but that it was 'different'. What does that mean?

He went on and explained that this something 'different' it's kind of like getting home one day and his daughter would tell him that she's a little bit pregnant. Was it bad or not?

Well, the old man touched me with the stories from his old country - he was from the ex Checkoslovakia, now Slovakia. Through him I discovered what I believe to be the best writer alive - Milan Kundera. His story book Laughable Loves is a masterpiece and I highly recommend it. Peter Petro is a friend of Kundera's. If you are in Vancouver, you should try see him lecture at UBC.

Since we're on nationalism...

...here's an amazing song on the subject:

Take the children and yourself
And hide out in the cellar
By now the fighting will be close at hand
Dont believe the church and state
And everything they tell you
Believe in me, Im with the high command

Can you hear me, can you hear me running?
Can you hear me running, can you hear me calling you?
Can you hear me, can you hear me running?
Can you hear me running, can you hear me calling you?

Theres a gun and ammunition
Just inside the doorway
Use it only in emergency
Better you should pray to god
The father and the spirit
Will guide you and protect from up here

Can you hear me, can you hear me running?
Can you hear me running, can you hear me calling you?
Can you hear me, can you hear me running?
Can you hear me running, can you hear me calling you?

Swear allegiance to the flag
Whatever flag they offer
Never hint at what you really feel
Teach the children quietly
For some day sons and daughters
Will rise up and fight while we stood still

Enjoy it

How books can cure

Back in 91, when I arrived in Canada, I become very Romanian, a nationalist. Whatever that means.. I guess because I missed home and felt wounded - the usual emigrant that starts hating the present and remembering all good things about the past, forgetting the bad ones.
I used to argue 'til I ran out of breath about how great Romanians were, how Romanians are the first people of Europe - documented by Herodotus, of course, and all the good stuff. To make the mix even better, I explained to anyone who cared to listen (or not) how shitty Canadians were.

Until one day I stummbled upon a pharagraph in book that was mandatory for my college - it was about 1993, at Cap. It was the English Patient by Ondaatje and it changed my life. It goes like this:

"We were German, English, Hungarian, African - all of us insignificant to them. Gradually we became nationless. I came to hate nations. We are deformed by nation-states. Maddox died because of nations..All of us, even those with European homes and children in the distance, wished to remove the clothing of our countries... I wanted to erase my name and the place I had come from."



It was in a context were good friends became enemies once the war broke out. Unbelievable image, where a few guys sit in a tent and find out that they are enemies because someone up there decided to declare war.

Even today, 15 years later, it has the same impact on me. I stumbled upon the book at the local Bucharest English book store, and I bought the thing for my kids.

I am still thankful to Ondaatje that he changed my life. I might have come to the same conclusion some other path, but I'm sure it saved time and energy for me.

Nationalism it's still a disease in some parts of Europe. Very different that what it's in the States, I believe even more harmful. Can't wrap my head around it, but it's important for some people to belong to a nation. Even if it's a shitty one. Whatever that means. I guess it's a bit like religion, we all need to belong to some club.

Well, I guess I'm cured. Or am I?

A smile and/or a tear..

some things never change. There are people that are runners and people that stay. I guess for those affected by these things the best thing is try not to hope. Or not wait. Or both..

Family is a bitch. I guess I got see it from both sides at this point in my life - having it, or not having it. I just hope my kid (or kids) will not have to deal with this at any point in their lives.

This is to you, dad. I guess I love you. It's all up and down, dude.

Good things

.. come for those who wait. I haven't been patient, but it came. I've been putting up thougts on this forum for a few days now and it has been quite amazing. I connected with a couple of old souls of my life and the responses were great, although nothing of what I expected.

Never expect anything.

Find a cat! That's what one amazing dude told me on Friday in a drinking session at Fratelli's - our local hangout. To make a long story short, Krishan suggested that we should find a being from which we don't expect much (or nothing), such as a cat, that will absorb our negative energy. It turns out that some of us expect too much of people and they end up disappointing us, since we expect them to behave in a certain way. I guess when you wait for such thing it never happens. So a cat would be a being that you can never control, you never have expectation of a certain reaction or behaviour.

I can't wrap my head around it very well at this point, but it was amazing. The thought and that human being. Food for thought.

Overall it's nice to meet new people, but I miss all of you very much.

Get a cat!

The old man starts to make sense

Not long after my wife got pregnant, my dad started to harrass me about getting her a Canadian citizenship. At that time it didn't make any sense to me, given that I would have never asked her to emigrate, given my experiences and the strong bond she has with her family. As I was telling him all this, he kept insisting and explained to me that one never knows what it's going to happen in this part of the world, that it's dangerous and unstable and, since we have the option to get the Canadian passport, why not do it? Paperwork is a bitch and I actually ended up applying for my daughter to get the papers.

The old man was pleased and as I was watching the terror in Georgia last night, it all started to make sense. I was thinking that in fact there is a good chance that we may need to bust a move, given the proximity to Georgia and, of course, the Soviet Union or Russia. The old man has more vision than I thought.

He's coming tomorrow and will see his grandaughter for the first time. A big day for all of us. This is to you, dad. I love you.



Father
Its not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that its not easy,
To be calm when youve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything youve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

Son
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
Its always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Father
Its not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.
(son-- away away away, I know I have to
Make this decision alone - no)
Son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
Its hard, but its harder to ignore it.
If they were right, Id agree, but its them you know not me.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
(father-- stay stay stay, why must you go and
Make this decision alone? )

Some habits transcend cultures

This morning my wife asked me what I watched on TV last night. She fell asleep on the couch next to me and I kept on watching.

What?

Well - what was on the other channels. For whatever reason I can't keep still on one channel when I have the remote in my hand. I remember having conversations about this before, that's a man thing and so on.. but it's peculiar nonetheless..

And it happens to me both in Canada and Romania.

Authentic

".. They say that extroverts are unhappier than introverts, and have to compensate for this by constantly proving to themselves how happy and contented and at ease with life they are..."

These are the words of Coehlo and they seemed interesting to me.. I'm not going into what extrovert and introvert may mean - that's your food for thought, but another thing popped into my brain. It is about what it means to be Canadian and/or Romanian and it came from the text above that says 'constantly proving to themselves', as opposed to proving things to others. Here we go..

In Canada I mostly met true people. The meaning of that is that they didn't pretend to be something that they are not and overall had a humility that for a Romanian raised was remarkable. In fact is in the Canadian constitution that besides 'Northern', Canadians are moderate, or in the middle of the pack, or try not to stand out. I tried to find the actual text, but could not. The main idea is that Canadians, if I may generalize, are humble, real and unbelievable to me, when it comes to a way of being. They are of course boring, not courageous or don't put themselves out. I can say that because I too, have Canadian citizenship. In Romania the word 'humility' has a negative baggage.

I had the pleasure in university, at UBC, to sit in the classes of one professor called Petr Petro, a Slovak by birth, who described what he disliked about Canadians and North Americans in general. He said that after they see a movie which they don't particularly like, Canadians say 'It was different'. What does that mean? It's good or bad? Would you recommend it? He compared it to him asking his daughter if she's pregnant and she'd answer "just a little bit".

You get the idea. The Canadians don't want and don't seem to care to impose their point of view. I believe that's healthy. But not that much fun.

What's being yourself, boring or not? I have a good friend in Romania who's fascinated about how fake people can be. He calls the few ones that he likes 'authentic'. The idea is that a lot of people in Bucharest (we are talking about the nouveau riche, the ones that made some money quickly, don't value it and generally don't know how to spend it). When I read the pharagraph that this bit starts with, I was expecting to say 'proving to others', because that's how my mind is set now, because of the very little authentic people.

Strip them off their Versace and Chanel uniforms and a lot of people in Bucharest have little left. I guess that's Eurotrash at its best. Don't think now that all people here are like that. But as political corectness invented by North Americans give me the right, I can say pretty much anything I wish about Romanians. Also about Canadians.. But as time will pass, that will fade away. Probably I'll feel less and less Canadian as time passes. Nonetheless, Canada will stay in my heart forever. I'll try to promote humilty at least as a notion. And because of that, I'll try to prove to myself all things that I am, introvert or not, before proving anything to others. I hope I succeed.

Why?

Since moving back home - yes, it's home - I have been asked a lot why have I returned.

For a while it was pretty clear to me that my life in Vancouver was gettin pretty unhealthy - too much abuse of anything that's not good, from there the possibility of a healthy relationship diminished, from there I wasn't feeling happy and so on. From Thursday to Sunday morning I was a bit too happy and from Sunday afternoon 'til the following Thursday... not that good.

The decision was very simple - move from Vancouver. And I did. To fucking Germany. For most Canadians Germany seems the bumhole of the univers. For a Romanian is worse, given our latin bullshit. But the circumstances and my rehab took me through Germany, which was not that bad afterall. It made me appreciate the rest much more.

At the end of the day I'm in Romania - a family man, with a lovely and loving wife, which I love to death (she will read this, but it's true). I kept the thought that I moved back home because of all of the above. But one day I came upon a couple of sentences which changed all that. There's room for comment, but I agree with them. It goes something like this:

"... emigration is an enormous mistake. The biggest anyone can make in their life. The loss of home always leaves a hole that never fills."



That's it. A lot of you saw it and even told me at times - 'why don't you go back?". Actually it had a 'then' a the end - "Why don't you fucking go back then??".

Well, I needed a smarter emigrant to show me later on in life that in fact I followed my instincts. By the way, I recommend every word that Rohinton Mistry writes.

Since we are on the subject of emigration or immigration, which for obvious reasons it's important to Mistry and I, I stumbled on another bit on the subject. This time is by Yann Martel, another Canadian of sorts. It starts with why and fits my title:

"Why do people move? What makes them uproot and leave everything they've known for a great unknown beyond the horizon? Why climb this mount Everest of formalities that makes you feel like a beggar? Why enter this jungle of foreigners where everything is new, strange, difficult? The answer is the same all over the world: people move in the hope for a better life"



Well, I guess I initially left because I hoped a better life. And I got it.. I got an unexpected university degree thanks to C.A.B., I learned a new language (more or less), I got a new life, I got new and amazing friends - I got everything I wanted. But I got a bit more, which I quickly covered above.

But let's get real and cut the shit. It was all fine in Bucharest back in 91.. I left to follow my dad and to get away from an ex-communist system and chase the western dream, which was represented by Madonna (and George Michael). But instead of Madonna, Shania Twain showed up. When 10 years later Nelly Furtado made it big I had to get the fuck out of town.



She had a concert in Bucharest a couple of weeks ago. I didn't go.

New beginnings

Strange feeling that become normality. For whatever reason, I feel that everything around me is new and I'm a novice.. or a newcomer. I guess I moved around quite a bit and now that I feel that I belong, that I'm here to stay, I truly need to really look around. Before I could burn bridges and tell pretty much anyone to fuck off, but things changed.

I guess I'm left only with my 'old' friends that I can take some liberties with... the new people in my life are 'proper', and the relationships should be conducted as such. It sucks the bone.

Well, going back to the idea that everything around me it's new, every day it becomes clearer to me that I know less and less about the world. Life moves along and my hair as well, but as one great thinker once said, age ain't nothing but a number...

She's dead.

Intro

My dear friends.. Only a few chosen ones will receive this, so consider yourselves lucky... or not. This is why...

I always wanted to put my thoughts on paper. I never did. At some point I switched languages and I never felt confident that I knew either of them. Now I'm at a point in my life where is a certainty that I will be living in Romania, so I started missing my Canadian friends.. So that's why.. it's a way of keeping you near and, selfishly, to put 'pen on paper', as J.M.H. once formulated, in the NY days.

I miss you guys.. any sign, comment or whatever you think is appreciated.