Fortareata

Nu, n-are rost sa te gandesti acum la toate astea, (...), sa te framanti atat, ce era mai important a fost implinit! Chiar daca te vor chinui din nou durerile, chiar daca nu vei mai auzi cantecele mangaietoare, iar din aceasta splendita noapte s-ar inalta neguri fetide, sfarsitul va veni oricum. Greul fusese trecut, nimeni nu te mai poate insela.... Dino Buzzati in Desertul Tatarilor, ultima pagina.

Atruism egoist. Cred ca asta a fost unul dintre lucrurile care te-au framantat. Toti sa fie bine, dar in termenii tai. Nu cred ca ai acceptat sau inteles niciodata ca toti te vand. Fara exceptie. Dar o fac din inertie, tati. Asta e cursul vietii, bestia umana. Toti ne tragem spuza pe turta noastra, chiar si tu.

Te-ai simtit inselat pe alocuri de toti. Cred ca asa a fost. Viata e plina de surprize si te-a surprins neplacut. Dar pentru majoritatea, aceste suprize nu mai sunt surprize. Erau resemnati, tati. Sunt resemnati.

Tu ai continuat sa lupti si sper sa lupt si eu. Dar cu intelegerea ca armele le au ei. Intelegerea o au ceilalti. Dar nu o au ca au inteles cu adevarat, o au din instinct. Dar e lumea noastra, tati. Nu ne inseala - ei nu pot altfel. Noi suntem cei care ne putem uita in oglinda la sfarsitul zilei. Multumesc.

Zambeste. Cel putin acum, fiul tau crede ca te intelege. Sau zambeste pentru ca fiul tau se gandeste la tine.

June 22nd (or 21st)

On June 22nd it was my mother's birthday. And my father died.

Here's what it came out a few days later. Email to a few people..

I love you all and thanks for making me feel that I don't go through life alone along the way. If I reflect on my life (which I do these days quite a bit), my dad was for at least half of it my hero. And I think I had a hero when I needed it.. He was absolutely wonderful to me most of the time and I felt unconditional love from his side at all times. His parenting style was a mix that gave me a crazy confidence that made me feel that I could do pretty much anything I wanted. And I did. You can call me Frank Sinatra of the Carpathians, who did his way :-). And I don't think that I walked alone. Despite the fallouts which, I believe, can happen in any parent-kid relationship, I believe that when it was truly important, I received it.

He used to bring me up and put me down in an unbelievable way. However, when he told me I'm the best I really felt it and when he told me that he wasn't pleased, he did it gently. Of course, these things are in retrospect, at the time I used to think differently.. His favourite saying when I got cheeky was 'buddy, when I walked back from a robbery, you were not even born'. I guess it sounds better in Romanian..

Another anecdote that he enjoyed to tell it went kind of like this... 'Son... Life is a parade. Some of us are in the parade... Some of us are watching the parade... Well, you son don't even know that parade exists'. I'm sure I'll be telling this story to my kids.

Of course, a lot of these things were not appreciated at the time. I loved the man and I guess his greatest fault was the fact that he couldn't get himself happy. For whatever reason he tripped on the details and the small things, especially in the later years. I understood from Silvia just the other day, he was never the same after moving to Canada. We speculate that his entourage and his career meant a lot to him. It could be from a million reasons and I believe that the first marriage, to my mother, really shook his faith in humanity, in relationships.

I may regret later writing things, but it's for my dad. My mother is a 'special' being and I don't think I've met someone as malicious as she is. We had about three wonderful days during my visit last month and, in those days, he had probably half of the heart to heart that we had in our entire lives. There was damage beyond any reason - I can't even begin to understand what he has lived through... Just to give you a small taste, she told him several times that I'm not his boy. Simona, this one is for you, I hope it helps with the healing process... He loved you to pieces. He was dealt a shitty hand, but he also had some amazing experiences.

Very few people know that my dad played soccer in the Romanian national junior team with some of the biggest names of European Football of the day. He attended a European championship in Portugal. He went to military school, after which he went on to become a military pilot. He got kicked out for causing trouble and then covering for the guy. He was a stand up guy, courageous to the point of stupidity - which was necessary in the way he grew up. Dirt poor, both parents from countryside.

He left military school because 'it wasn't for me'. He moved on and did night school - finished with an Economics degree and had an unbelievable career in Romania. His biggest fall came with the 'aid' of my mother - who decided to bombard him with 'anonymous' letters - a particularity of the procedures of the communist Romania. Amongst other things - I don't want to put all that episode as being her fault.

In 1986 he ran illegally over the Danube in an inflatable boat to former Yugoslavia. He was caught by the Yugo authorities in the cemetery of the town of Maribor, at the border with Austria. By the Hague convention, he wasn't supposed to be returned to Romania. But they did. The reason was that 'important' people were to be returned to Romania, in exchange for a few wagons of either salt of sulfur - it escapes me. My dad disliked the Serbs very much after this episode.

Well, he was probably the most generous person I know. He loved to give things to people and make them happy. He was always uncomfortable when he received things. Which I guess it tells something about a man.

I guess I wanted to be like him. He really took pride of being aggressive - and I do as well. Not because I feel particularly brave - but because I wanted him to be proud of me. I went to university because I wanted him to be proud of me. In his own way, he let be independent, fend for myself. But when I was very young, I always felt that he was watching - even though he was rarely there. He had power in Romania, he never let me know how much, but enough that I pranced through life as the king of the world. I feel the same today - thank you, dad.

Well, John will say that is part of the process - I know, buddy. Thank you for listening to my bullshit all this years. You are my best friend.

Anca - I love you, baby. Thank you for being my rock for the past 6 years.

The Barazzuols - as I told you on the phone earlier, in my last visit my dad told me daily that I'm lucky. The only example that he could give when I asked him why am I so lucky it was 'because you met the Barazzuols'. Well, thank you for assisting my father in making his kid to have a good life.

Simona - I hope one day we'll get a better connection. Meanwhile, good luck in everything you do and never forget that your mom and dad love you very much. No more regrets. Your mom is there for you.

Last but not least, Silvia - my mother. You've been exceptional for the past 25 years of my life. Amazing character and I don't think that I had the opportunity to tell you that I'm a big fan of yours. You went through a million circumstances where most people would have crumbled with an amazing grace and smiling. I know that behind your unbelievably positive disposition it was not always natural, but you made it seem natural. I love you for having patience and an ear for me whenever you had the opportunity - I don't think I always let you. But I love you for making possible the opportunity for us to have this relationship today. Mommy, I love you for loving my father. I love you for staying with him even when I screamed at you and convinced you to divorce him. I love you for being such a great mother to Mona and myself. I love you for being you. Keep your head up and I promise you that you'll always have a son ready to do his best to repay your kindness, your strength of character, your work ethic, your unbelievable power of fighting through thick and thin. You are amazing and I wish I can show you better what you mean to me. You are the person that loves my father the most - and that is enough to have me indebted to you forever.

Thanks for listening to my rant. That's what you get for being the most important people of my life. I have many others, but I guess it's enough for now. Very strange, it easier for me to put my thoughts down in English. I guess in Romanian it gets all too personal and I'm too weak to do it.

the son of a good man

A smile and/or a tear..

some things never change. There are people that are runners and people that stay. I guess for those affected by these things the best thing is try not to hope. Or not wait. Or both..

Family is a bitch. I guess I got see it from both sides at this point in my life - having it, or not having it. I just hope my kid (or kids) will not have to deal with this at any point in their lives.

This is to you, dad. I guess I love you. It's all up and down, dude.

The old man starts to make sense

Not long after my wife got pregnant, my dad started to harrass me about getting her a Canadian citizenship. At that time it didn't make any sense to me, given that I would have never asked her to emigrate, given my experiences and the strong bond she has with her family. As I was telling him all this, he kept insisting and explained to me that one never knows what it's going to happen in this part of the world, that it's dangerous and unstable and, since we have the option to get the Canadian passport, why not do it? Paperwork is a bitch and I actually ended up applying for my daughter to get the papers.

The old man was pleased and as I was watching the terror in Georgia last night, it all started to make sense. I was thinking that in fact there is a good chance that we may need to bust a move, given the proximity to Georgia and, of course, the Soviet Union or Russia. The old man has more vision than I thought.

He's coming tomorrow and will see his grandaughter for the first time. A big day for all of us. This is to you, dad. I love you.



Father
Its not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that its not easy,
To be calm when youve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything youve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

Son
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
Its always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Father
Its not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.
(son-- away away away, I know I have to
Make this decision alone - no)
Son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
Its hard, but its harder to ignore it.
If they were right, Id agree, but its them you know not me.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
(father-- stay stay stay, why must you go and
Make this decision alone? )

Why?

Since moving back home - yes, it's home - I have been asked a lot why have I returned.

For a while it was pretty clear to me that my life in Vancouver was gettin pretty unhealthy - too much abuse of anything that's not good, from there the possibility of a healthy relationship diminished, from there I wasn't feeling happy and so on. From Thursday to Sunday morning I was a bit too happy and from Sunday afternoon 'til the following Thursday... not that good.

The decision was very simple - move from Vancouver. And I did. To fucking Germany. For most Canadians Germany seems the bumhole of the univers. For a Romanian is worse, given our latin bullshit. But the circumstances and my rehab took me through Germany, which was not that bad afterall. It made me appreciate the rest much more.

At the end of the day I'm in Romania - a family man, with a lovely and loving wife, which I love to death (she will read this, but it's true). I kept the thought that I moved back home because of all of the above. But one day I came upon a couple of sentences which changed all that. There's room for comment, but I agree with them. It goes something like this:

"... emigration is an enormous mistake. The biggest anyone can make in their life. The loss of home always leaves a hole that never fills."



That's it. A lot of you saw it and even told me at times - 'why don't you go back?". Actually it had a 'then' a the end - "Why don't you fucking go back then??".

Well, I needed a smarter emigrant to show me later on in life that in fact I followed my instincts. By the way, I recommend every word that Rohinton Mistry writes.

Since we are on the subject of emigration or immigration, which for obvious reasons it's important to Mistry and I, I stumbled on another bit on the subject. This time is by Yann Martel, another Canadian of sorts. It starts with why and fits my title:

"Why do people move? What makes them uproot and leave everything they've known for a great unknown beyond the horizon? Why climb this mount Everest of formalities that makes you feel like a beggar? Why enter this jungle of foreigners where everything is new, strange, difficult? The answer is the same all over the world: people move in the hope for a better life"



Well, I guess I initially left because I hoped a better life. And I got it.. I got an unexpected university degree thanks to C.A.B., I learned a new language (more or less), I got a new life, I got new and amazing friends - I got everything I wanted. But I got a bit more, which I quickly covered above.

But let's get real and cut the shit. It was all fine in Bucharest back in 91.. I left to follow my dad and to get away from an ex-communist system and chase the western dream, which was represented by Madonna (and George Michael). But instead of Madonna, Shania Twain showed up. When 10 years later Nelly Furtado made it big I had to get the fuck out of town.



She had a concert in Bucharest a couple of weeks ago. I didn't go.