On June 22nd it was my mother's birthday. And my father died.
Here's what it came out a few days later. Email to a few people..
I love you all and thanks for making me feel that I don't go through life alone along the way. If I reflect on my life (which I do these days quite a bit), my dad was for at least half of it my hero. And I think I had a hero when I needed it.. He was absolutely wonderful to me most of the time and I felt unconditional love from his side at all times. His parenting style was a mix that gave me a crazy confidence that made me feel that I could do pretty much anything I wanted. And I did. You can call me Frank Sinatra of the Carpathians, who did his way :-). And I don't think that I walked alone. Despite the fallouts which, I believe, can happen in any parent-kid relationship, I believe that when it was truly important, I received it.
He used to bring me up and put me down in an unbelievable way. However, when he told me I'm the best I really felt it and when he told me that he wasn't pleased, he did it gently. Of course, these things are in retrospect, at the time I used to think differently.. His favourite saying when I got cheeky was 'buddy, when I walked back from a robbery, you were not even born'. I guess it sounds better in Romanian..
Another anecdote that he enjoyed to tell it went kind of like this... 'Son... Life is a parade. Some of us are in the parade... Some of us are watching the parade... Well, you son don't even know that parade exists'. I'm sure I'll be telling this story to my kids.
Of course, a lot of these things were not appreciated at the time. I loved the man and I guess his greatest fault was the fact that he couldn't get himself happy. For whatever reason he tripped on the details and the small things, especially in the later years. I understood from Silvia just the other day, he was never the same after moving to Canada. We speculate that his entourage and his career meant a lot to him. It could be from a million reasons and I believe that the first marriage, to my mother, really shook his faith in humanity, in relationships.
I may regret later writing things, but it's for my dad. My mother is a 'special' being and I don't think I've met someone as malicious as she is. We had about three wonderful days during my visit last month and, in those days, he had probably half of the heart to heart that we had in our entire lives. There was damage beyond any reason - I can't even begin to understand what he has lived through... Just to give you a small taste, she told him several times that I'm not his boy. Simona, this one is for you, I hope it helps with the healing process... He loved you to pieces. He was dealt a shitty hand, but he also had some amazing experiences.
Very few people know that my dad played soccer in the Romanian national junior team with some of the biggest names of European Football of the day. He attended a European championship in Portugal. He went to military school, after which he went on to become a military pilot. He got kicked out for causing trouble and then covering for the guy. He was a stand up guy, courageous to the point of stupidity - which was necessary in the way he grew up. Dirt poor, both parents from countryside.
He left military school because 'it wasn't for me'. He moved on and did night school - finished with an Economics degree and had an unbelievable career in Romania. His biggest fall came with the 'aid' of my mother - who decided to bombard him with 'anonymous' letters - a particularity of the procedures of the communist Romania. Amongst other things - I don't want to put all that episode as being her fault.
In 1986 he ran illegally over the Danube in an inflatable boat to former Yugoslavia. He was caught by the Yugo authorities in the cemetery of the town of Maribor, at the border with Austria. By the Hague convention, he wasn't supposed to be returned to Romania. But they did. The reason was that 'important' people were to be returned to Romania, in exchange for a few wagons of either salt of sulfur - it escapes me. My dad disliked the Serbs very much after this episode.
Well, he was probably the most generous person I know. He loved to give things to people and make them happy. He was always uncomfortable when he received things. Which I guess it tells something about a man.
I guess I wanted to be like him. He really took pride of being aggressive - and I do as well. Not because I feel particularly brave - but because I wanted him to be proud of me. I went to university because I wanted him to be proud of me. In his own way, he let be independent, fend for myself. But when I was very young, I always felt that he was watching - even though he was rarely there. He had power in Romania, he never let me know how much, but enough that I pranced through life as the king of the world. I feel the same today - thank you, dad.
Well, John will say that is part of the process - I know, buddy. Thank you for listening to my bullshit all this years. You are my best friend.
Anca - I love you, baby. Thank you for being my rock for the past 6 years.
The Barazzuols - as I told you on the phone earlier, in my last visit my dad told me daily that I'm lucky. The only example that he could give when I asked him why am I so lucky it was 'because you met the Barazzuols'. Well, thank you for assisting my father in making his kid to have a good life.
Simona - I hope one day we'll get a better connection. Meanwhile, good luck in everything you do and never forget that your mom and dad love you very much. No more regrets. Your mom is there for you.
Last but not least, Silvia - my mother. You've been exceptional for the past 25 years of my life. Amazing character and I don't think that I had the opportunity to tell you that I'm a big fan of yours. You went through a million circumstances where most people would have crumbled with an amazing grace and smiling. I know that behind your unbelievably positive disposition it was not always natural, but you made it seem natural. I love you for having patience and an ear for me whenever you had the opportunity - I don't think I always let you. But I love you for making possible the opportunity for us to have this relationship today. Mommy, I love you for loving my father. I love you for staying with him even when I screamed at you and convinced you to divorce him. I love you for being such a great mother to Mona and myself. I love you for being you. Keep your head up and I promise you that you'll always have a son ready to do his best to repay your kindness, your strength of character, your work ethic, your unbelievable power of fighting through thick and thin. You are amazing and I wish I can show you better what you mean to me. You are the person that loves my father the most - and that is enough to have me indebted to you forever.
Thanks for listening to my rant. That's what you get for being the most important people of my life. I have many others, but I guess it's enough for now. Very strange, it easier for me to put my thoughts down in English. I guess in Romanian it gets all too personal and I'm too weak to do it.
the son of a good man
