Fortareata

Nu, n-are rost sa te gandesti acum la toate astea, (...), sa te framanti atat, ce era mai important a fost implinit! Chiar daca te vor chinui din nou durerile, chiar daca nu vei mai auzi cantecele mangaietoare, iar din aceasta splendita noapte s-ar inalta neguri fetide, sfarsitul va veni oricum. Greul fusese trecut, nimeni nu te mai poate insela.... Dino Buzzati in Desertul Tatarilor, ultima pagina.

Atruism egoist. Cred ca asta a fost unul dintre lucrurile care te-au framantat. Toti sa fie bine, dar in termenii tai. Nu cred ca ai acceptat sau inteles niciodata ca toti te vand. Fara exceptie. Dar o fac din inertie, tati. Asta e cursul vietii, bestia umana. Toti ne tragem spuza pe turta noastra, chiar si tu.

Te-ai simtit inselat pe alocuri de toti. Cred ca asa a fost. Viata e plina de surprize si te-a surprins neplacut. Dar pentru majoritatea, aceste suprize nu mai sunt surprize. Erau resemnati, tati. Sunt resemnati.

Tu ai continuat sa lupti si sper sa lupt si eu. Dar cu intelegerea ca armele le au ei. Intelegerea o au ceilalti. Dar nu o au ca au inteles cu adevarat, o au din instinct. Dar e lumea noastra, tati. Nu ne inseala - ei nu pot altfel. Noi suntem cei care ne putem uita in oglinda la sfarsitul zilei. Multumesc.

Zambeste. Cel putin acum, fiul tau crede ca te intelege. Sau zambeste pentru ca fiul tau se gandeste la tine.

June 22nd (or 21st)

On June 22nd it was my mother's birthday. And my father died.

Here's what it came out a few days later. Email to a few people..

I love you all and thanks for making me feel that I don't go through life alone along the way. If I reflect on my life (which I do these days quite a bit), my dad was for at least half of it my hero. And I think I had a hero when I needed it.. He was absolutely wonderful to me most of the time and I felt unconditional love from his side at all times. His parenting style was a mix that gave me a crazy confidence that made me feel that I could do pretty much anything I wanted. And I did. You can call me Frank Sinatra of the Carpathians, who did his way :-). And I don't think that I walked alone. Despite the fallouts which, I believe, can happen in any parent-kid relationship, I believe that when it was truly important, I received it.

He used to bring me up and put me down in an unbelievable way. However, when he told me I'm the best I really felt it and when he told me that he wasn't pleased, he did it gently. Of course, these things are in retrospect, at the time I used to think differently.. His favourite saying when I got cheeky was 'buddy, when I walked back from a robbery, you were not even born'. I guess it sounds better in Romanian..

Another anecdote that he enjoyed to tell it went kind of like this... 'Son... Life is a parade. Some of us are in the parade... Some of us are watching the parade... Well, you son don't even know that parade exists'. I'm sure I'll be telling this story to my kids.

Of course, a lot of these things were not appreciated at the time. I loved the man and I guess his greatest fault was the fact that he couldn't get himself happy. For whatever reason he tripped on the details and the small things, especially in the later years. I understood from Silvia just the other day, he was never the same after moving to Canada. We speculate that his entourage and his career meant a lot to him. It could be from a million reasons and I believe that the first marriage, to my mother, really shook his faith in humanity, in relationships.

I may regret later writing things, but it's for my dad. My mother is a 'special' being and I don't think I've met someone as malicious as she is. We had about three wonderful days during my visit last month and, in those days, he had probably half of the heart to heart that we had in our entire lives. There was damage beyond any reason - I can't even begin to understand what he has lived through... Just to give you a small taste, she told him several times that I'm not his boy. Simona, this one is for you, I hope it helps with the healing process... He loved you to pieces. He was dealt a shitty hand, but he also had some amazing experiences.

Very few people know that my dad played soccer in the Romanian national junior team with some of the biggest names of European Football of the day. He attended a European championship in Portugal. He went to military school, after which he went on to become a military pilot. He got kicked out for causing trouble and then covering for the guy. He was a stand up guy, courageous to the point of stupidity - which was necessary in the way he grew up. Dirt poor, both parents from countryside.

He left military school because 'it wasn't for me'. He moved on and did night school - finished with an Economics degree and had an unbelievable career in Romania. His biggest fall came with the 'aid' of my mother - who decided to bombard him with 'anonymous' letters - a particularity of the procedures of the communist Romania. Amongst other things - I don't want to put all that episode as being her fault.

In 1986 he ran illegally over the Danube in an inflatable boat to former Yugoslavia. He was caught by the Yugo authorities in the cemetery of the town of Maribor, at the border with Austria. By the Hague convention, he wasn't supposed to be returned to Romania. But they did. The reason was that 'important' people were to be returned to Romania, in exchange for a few wagons of either salt of sulfur - it escapes me. My dad disliked the Serbs very much after this episode.

Well, he was probably the most generous person I know. He loved to give things to people and make them happy. He was always uncomfortable when he received things. Which I guess it tells something about a man.

I guess I wanted to be like him. He really took pride of being aggressive - and I do as well. Not because I feel particularly brave - but because I wanted him to be proud of me. I went to university because I wanted him to be proud of me. In his own way, he let be independent, fend for myself. But when I was very young, I always felt that he was watching - even though he was rarely there. He had power in Romania, he never let me know how much, but enough that I pranced through life as the king of the world. I feel the same today - thank you, dad.

Well, John will say that is part of the process - I know, buddy. Thank you for listening to my bullshit all this years. You are my best friend.

Anca - I love you, baby. Thank you for being my rock for the past 6 years.

The Barazzuols - as I told you on the phone earlier, in my last visit my dad told me daily that I'm lucky. The only example that he could give when I asked him why am I so lucky it was 'because you met the Barazzuols'. Well, thank you for assisting my father in making his kid to have a good life.

Simona - I hope one day we'll get a better connection. Meanwhile, good luck in everything you do and never forget that your mom and dad love you very much. No more regrets. Your mom is there for you.

Last but not least, Silvia - my mother. You've been exceptional for the past 25 years of my life. Amazing character and I don't think that I had the opportunity to tell you that I'm a big fan of yours. You went through a million circumstances where most people would have crumbled with an amazing grace and smiling. I know that behind your unbelievably positive disposition it was not always natural, but you made it seem natural. I love you for having patience and an ear for me whenever you had the opportunity - I don't think I always let you. But I love you for making possible the opportunity for us to have this relationship today. Mommy, I love you for loving my father. I love you for staying with him even when I screamed at you and convinced you to divorce him. I love you for being such a great mother to Mona and myself. I love you for being you. Keep your head up and I promise you that you'll always have a son ready to do his best to repay your kindness, your strength of character, your work ethic, your unbelievable power of fighting through thick and thin. You are amazing and I wish I can show you better what you mean to me. You are the person that loves my father the most - and that is enough to have me indebted to you forever.

Thanks for listening to my rant. That's what you get for being the most important people of my life. I have many others, but I guess it's enough for now. Very strange, it easier for me to put my thoughts down in English. I guess in Romanian it gets all too personal and I'm too weak to do it.

the son of a good man

Cele mai bune parti ale mele

Maia
- portocateliu
- apati (lapte)
- cea mai lume din lume
- .. ca sunt mic si ma cheama Poronic
- jocurie/jocurii
- ponel (ponei)
- un dintz, doi dintzi
- mami, suntem piperi? (stam in pipera)
- mami, care e steagul piperii?
- cand eram toti mici, cine era mama noastra?
- aplaudatul (numele catelului care raspunde la aplauze)
- in farsit (in sfarsit)
- anastastasta..sia..
- tati, mergem la o tura?
- vreau la gaga
- te fac praf si pulgare
- corpul oremesc
- l-ai morat! (l'ai omorat)
- de ce ai fatza veselita?
- fecilita - fericita

Toma
- mininata (trotineta)
- ticaca (bicicleta)
- parau (mai vreau)
- tzutzuca (ratusca)
- naniu
- titu titu
- raz, va, tri, cazacioc!
- cati ani ai? un an trei ani! .. 2011

Quotes

- "... carrying your death with you every day would make it hard to waste time on unkindness and anger and bitterness, on anything petty. That was the secret: remembering your dying time, in order to keep the stupid and ugly out of your living time." Mistry, Family Matters, p. 310

- "But in the end all human being become candidates for compassion, all of us, without exception... and if we can recognize their from the beginning, what a saving in pain, and grief, and misery." Mistry, Family Matters

- "Just as there are no Canadians, there are no Montrealers. Ask a man who he is and he names a race." Leonard Cohen, The Favourite Game, p. 125

- "Now he was sure. It was the first thing in a long time he had learned about himself. He wanted no legions to command. He didn't want to stand on any marble balcony. He didn't want to ride with Alexander, to be a boy king. He didn't want to smash his fist across the city, lead the Jews, have visions, love multitudes, bear a mark on his forehead, look in every mirror...for a reflection of the mark. He wanted comfort. He wanted to be comforted." Leonard Cohen, The Favourite Game, p. 159

- Pe atunci, ca si astazi, nu existau secrete, ci numai iluzia lor. Ionel Teodoreanu, Masa Umbrelor, p. 127

- History is a set of lies agreed upon. Bonaparte


- Man is the only animal who blushes. Or needs to. Twain

- Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think about ourselves and how little we think about the other person. Twain

- All you need in life is ignorance and confidence. Twain

- Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Twain

- To you I'm an atheist; to god, I'm the loyal opposition. Woody Allen

- Temperance is moderation in all things healthful, and total abstinence from all things harmful. Xenophon

- Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need. Kahlil Gibran

- Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony. Gandhi

- Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Lennon

- Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy. Aristotle

- Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. Horace Walpole

- You can read the life you've lived so far, but you cannot change a word. Cohen

- 'As I grow older, I like to listen to stories from the elderly'. Cohen

- 'It's not death that scares me. It's the preliminaries.' - Cohen

- Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Camus

- To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human human being can fight. E.E. Cummings

Zen master

A beligerent samurai, an old Japanese tale goes, once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell. But the monk replied with scorn, "You are nothing but a lout - I can't waste my time with the likes of you!".
His very honor attacked, the samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword, yelled "I could kill you for your impertinence."
"That," the monk calmly replied, "it's hell."
Startled at seeing the truth in what master pointed out at the fury that had him in its grip, the samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for his insight.
"And that", said the monk, "it's heaven". Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

If you could put words to what you felt, it was yours.
About the power of language in Calling Sleep, by Henry Roth.

The truth about cats

A stray dog - that's what he likes to call himself, a man with great views on life - told me a good story one day.

Jimmy had a cat and was asked by someone about the cat's name.

'Well, it doesn't have a name."

"So how do you call the cat when you want it to come to you?"

"I don't ever call it. It comes whenever she wants."

Weeds

Life. Crazy. Roller coaster.

I got to the point when it becomes very clear to me that along the way I've made some bad compromises. Are there good ones? I believe so. However, the bad ones need to be fixed. Or taken out. Like weeds. Bad relationships, out of which one doesn't get any juice, need to end. Who knows what the future brings, but for now, the people that along the way do not bring anything, or worse, bad things, need to be weeded. Probably not the best move, but it feels so right. Like Oldie says "if that's wrong, I don't ever wanna be right".

I guess I feel blessed that I have so many good things in my life and, these days, I can afford it. The energy needs to go in the right place, nurture the right relationships.

Take them as they are. I hear that a lot. Why? Fuck them and their ugly bitches. With love, of course. In the long run, it's a service to them. Weeds. Paradoxically, I believe that I may be their best friend. For now, from afar.

Life. Selfishness. Very consciously doing in for myself. Like sisters are doing it.

With Courage. The opposite of fear. Trying to get rid of the fear. Definitely plural.